(read time: 3 minutes)
We’ve all had someone tell us, “You gotta fake it ‘till ya make it.” This seems to directly collide with other pop culture advice about being authentic and vulnerable, doesn’t it? I don’t think it does, because “fake it ‘till ya make it” is not talking about how we feel, it’s about how we respond to how we feel.
This is one of the pillars of Cognitive Behavior Therapy, the most popular and effective therapeutic treatment the West has to offer. It’s not just about what you think, or even feel, but about behaviors as well. Why? Well, quite simply, because how we act also greatly affects our lives and the messages we send to heart and mind. For example, when depressed, it can be really hard to go to work, so sometimes we just don’t. But then we lose our job, which gives us yet another piece of supporting evidence that we have good reason to be depressed. Also, not being able to get out of bed and to the office reinforces our belief that we are in really bad shape which, in turn, helps us be in really bad shape. It’s all a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy, can you see that? That’s what “fake it ‘till ya make it” is trying to address.
Many clients struggle to do work in between sessions, which is unfortunate because the healing and growth processes can be greatly enhanced and accelerated by such work. But, when we don’t feel well, we just want to do things during our free time that provide pleasure as a defense against the suffering we are doing when we aren’t pleasure chasing. It’s short-sighed, at best, because how do you ever get out of this prison: “I’ll do the work that it is required to feel better when I feel better.” That one makes my brain hurt.
If we want to feel a certain way, it can be very helpful to try, to the extent you are able, to act as if you are already feeling that way. You go to work and try to get some enjoyment and fulfillment out of it, no matter what the work is that day. You take good care of yourself and do the things that will help you be healthy mentally, emotionally, and physically. You do your therapy homework, the work of healing. You go see your friends and ask them to cheer you up or encourage you, which they’ll do because they love you.
You can do it, you just don’t feel like doing it. Do not allow your negative emotions to take over your life. You have a right to be happy, no matter who you are or what mistakes you’ve made. Love yourself enough to fight for the life you want and trust the process.
