(read time: 3 minutes)
I often semi-joke with clients, “I’d be fine if I never heard the words ‘makes me’ again for the rest of my life.” Why? Quite simply, because being peaceful and happy requires taking emotional responsibility for ourselves. There are many unpleasant situations and people, but the unpleasantness we experience does not have to be turned into emotional suffering (sadness, stress, frustration, etc.). Suffering is the part of our experience that we cannot attribute to anyone, or anything, other than ourselves, as it represents our reaction to what’s happening, which is 100% subjective. The fact that “most people” react in a similar way to similar circumstances is evidence of nothing (other than the fact that they also haven’t developed their heart and mind enough).
Some people have claimed to me that these words are just how we talk about our experience of emotion. I don’t agree, I think it’s how we think and feel, as evidenced by how we react. If our feelings are generated by circumstances, as in “makes me,” we will seek external solutions. Conversely, if they are generated by our internal conditions, we will seek internal solutions. Also, think about how disempowering that statement is, as if someone or something (like a malfunctioning printer) could reach inside your brain and make you frustrated. Emotional suffering arises because of our rejection, or nonacceptance, of a situation. We need to accept that, for now, the printer is broken. Of course, clients will then exclaim, “So, what, I’m just supposed to accept everything and do nothing?” This is an example of what I refer to as the “acceptance / complacence confusion.” I have never suggested that anyone become complacent and do nothing to improve their circumstances, I’m claiming there doesn’t need to be any negative emotions around doing so. Continually try to improve your circumstances, just don’t depend on those projects working out for your wellbeing.
Look, I get it. It’s hard to take emotional responsibility for ourselves. It’s painful. It really feels like our negative emotions are being caused by things and people external to us. We want so badly for it to be something, or someone, else’s fault, otherwise we have hard work to do. But we don’t actually want it to be someone else’s fault because then there’s nothing we can do about it other than neurotically attempt to control everything and everyone around us (let me know how that goes), and suffering is inevitable. The good news is that we know this is false – of course there are moves we can make, our minds and hearts can become increasingly resilient and at peace regardless of circumstances. Even better, we know how to cultivate those states. The issue is that none of those methods will work very well if we maintain the core belief that we are being forced or otherwise “made” to feel the way we do and no other emotional reaction is possible.
Doesn’t that make you want to work hard on yourself? (sorry, couldn’t help myself)
