(read time: 3 minutes)
People often share their suffering with us. Learn what you can do about it. Getting cut off in traffic. Having to cover at work for the incompetent and lazy. Lending money and never getting paid back (and people being offended that you would even expect the money back since, ya know, you don’t need it). Unkind words toward you because someone is having a bad day or drank too much. Companies that screw us over because they know we don’t have the means to sue them even when they deserve it. Those people who call when they need something, but never any other time.
All these behaviors, and so many more, are a result of one general thing: other people sharing their suffering with us. I say it at least once a week in session, “Happy, peaceful people don’t act like that.” In fact, when people behave in such ways, they don’t realize that they are outing themselves, essentially broadcasting, “I am not well, not at peace!” What’s interesting to consider is that they are not only making this statement in such situations, but also asking the question, “How are you?” How we respond to their mistreatment represents our answer to that question.
If we can respond with kindness and compassion for their suffering, it will mean that we have a healthy mind and heart, because responding to unkindness with kindness is challenging, especially if peace and compassion have not been cultivated. Now, my clients will often protest, “You mean I’m just supposed to take it all and do nothing about it?” No, I would never suggest that, kindness and compassion applies to us as well. Put boundaries in place and hold them. Post negative reviews about companies that act unethically and report them to the Better Business Bureau. Tell people that their speech and actions are unacceptable. Report out of control drivers to the police. In short: do what you can. That said, nothing you do has to be done from a place of anger or retaliation, since that’s how unhealthy minds respond. We must learn to separate what we do and how we feel. You have a right to be at peace even when subjected to others’ suffering, but it’s your responsibility to accomplish that for yourself. Yes, it’s a raw deal: others mistreat us, and we get to be the one to deal with it. But others have been unfairly subjected to our own suffering plenty of times, so it’s the same deal we all get. Besides, what viable alternative is there, to feel angry and resentful nearly every day? No thanks.
But how does one change? Loving-kindness (metta) and tonglen meditation methods both work wonders, look them up. Naikan practice can also be immensely helpful. So, if you are tired of being frustrated with others, give some of those practices a shot for a few weeks and see if you can detect a shift, no matter how small, in your automatic reactions. If you do, you’ll know you are on the right track.
Just thought I’d share.
