(read time: 1 minute)

The holidays have a way of testing our boundaries.
With family.
With friends.
With work.
And sometimes, with ourselves.

I was recently talking with a close friend about boundaries and how essential they are to healthy relationships. That part isn’t new. The harder question is where to set them—for ourselves, for the other person, and for the relationship as a whole. He shared a piece of advice he once received from a therapist that has stayed with him:

“Set the boundary in such a way that your heart will remain open.”

I’ve been sitting with that idea, and I think it’s excellent advice—with one important caveat. We also need to ask ourselves:

“What is stopping my heart from being even more open than it currently is—and what am I willing to do about that?”

Boundaries don’t only reflect what we can’t tolerate. They can also reflect what we’re willing to grow into. That often means allowing a bit of discomfort—because growth of almost any kind requires it. When we set boundaries that both protect us and gently stretch us, we create space for deeper connection. We don’t go wrong by listening more closely to our hearts, addressing the fears and doubts we find there, and choosing—again and again—to lead with compassion.

Your turn: How do you know when a boundary is protective while allowing for growth vs. avoidant?